CARBINES AND FELINES

In the beginning, the elohim created skies and earth.

    Welcome back.

     Allow me to start off by saying that I am not against gun ownership. Nor am I entranced by guns the way others seem to be. There is more magical thinking than science firing from the barrels of Gatling gun gullets prattling about the 2nd Amendment.  

     Gun preachers are the young earth creationists of violence. All the tragedy following a multiple homicide is as complex as natural selection, but to hear gungelicals talk, the problem of guns is as simple as making a tree without sunlight or a man from mud.

  We need more levity, less gravity. I suggest we laugh at the ideals preached by these gungelicals because they can be quite funny.

     Nothing triggers a good laugh from me than watching the politricks of politicians who legislate as if they are standing in front of a firing squad. They might have solutions in their sights, but the NRA got the drop on them as soon as they were elected.  

     And the shoot-first-think-never pundits make matters worse firing the same five bullet shit reasons why guns make us all safe. 

     I get a kick out of it, and to make it funnier, I imagine them using burp voices when they talk. 

     Indeed, we must laugh because at the heart of it all there is a murderous deception going on in the United States that is not funny.

     The disputable reasons for owning a gun are five and hilarious, but the incontrovertible reasons for owning a gun are two and not so funny.

     The reasons to own a gun are: 

#1. I want to.

#2. I can.

     The gungelicals preach a standard stock of five reasons why every American should own a Carcano 91/38 rifle, a .22 caliber Iver Johnson, a 30 06 Enfield, a Remington 30 06 rifle, a 10-shot Hi-Point model 995 carbine rifle, an Intratec tec dc 9, a Savage 311-D 12 gauge double barrel shotgun and Savage-Springfield 67H 12 gauge shot gun (they work best sawed off), a Bushmaster AR 15 assault rifle, a .40 caliber pistol, a Bushmaster XM 15 rifle, a Smith and Wesson M&P15 assault rifle, a Remington 870 pump action double gauge shotgun, a 9x19mm Glock, a 9mm Sig Sauer pistol, and a 45 caliber handgun like the one Dylan Roof used.

    It just so happens those stock reasons are the same reasons for owning a cat. 

     Forgive me.  I began this post with a cat word in the title, so I feel compelled to make this about cats. I could have chosen snails, elk, or abalone. I picked cats because I have the best cat in the world, and I've always wanted to work him into one of my posts.

     His name is Atticus Finch. He thinks I keep him in my home because it's really his home, and if I want to live there I have to be his pet. For the sake of argument, let's say he is wrong. In that case, there are five reasons why I keep a cat in my home.

Reason#1

     I am safer with a cat in my home. Actually, I’m not. Even with kitty in my home, one killer or several could get the drop on me. They could kick my door down and blow me away before I am able to toss my cat onto their faces. Moreover, I am not safer away from home. I could take Atticus Finch to a movie, or a restaurant, and any gunman might blow me away before I have the chance to fire my cat back at him.

Reason #2

     Only a good cat can stop a bad man. That’s not true either. It is possible that some bad men might see my cat and stop what they are doing. I know I would, but it's not likely a bad man would. Atticus Finch might be hiding better than Boo Radley as he is wont to do. It's also possible if I toss kitty at a bad man while he is firing away, I might miss. Kitty might land on an innocent person, disfiguring him with horrible scratches.

Reason#3

     The government is coming to take away all of our cats. This makes as much sense as petting a stuffed cat. If the government sends a tank and a platoon of Marines to pry Atticus Finch from my cold, dead hands, he will be no match for their fire power, nor will he be anywhere near my cold, dead hands.

Reason #4

      If the government takes away our cats, then only criminals will have cats. Maybe, but they will be black market cats and will cost thousands of dollars. Atticus Finch was given to me for free by a little girl looking to abandon him at a rock concert. Actually, that’s not true. He was not given to me. The little girl put Catness Evershed into my girl friend’s hands. I would not have paid a dime for him back then, but now, he's worth the ten thousand dollars his value would command on the black cat market. 

     By the way, I kept him and ditched the girlfriend.

     To sum it all up, I own a cat for the same indisputable reasons I would own a gun. I want to and I can.

     Well, also because he's so damn adorrigible and cuddly.

     Let us recall, a divine sage once said, “Those who live by the sword will die by the sword.”  

     

     Imagine substituting the word “sword” with the word “gun.”  It’s easy if you try.

     Blessings…